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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Five Years

It's been five years today that Grandma went to Heaven. That is a CRAZY number to me. I think about her every single day. I miss her every single day. I need her every single day.

This book I wrote is about when you don't understand life and how easy it is to lose hope and faith when you lose someone you think you can't do life without. Five years ago, that happened to me, and five years ago I found out the hard way that through the darkest and coldest of days, God is faithful. Five years ago, I stood in front of a casket holding the hand of the dearest person on Earth to me and said goodbye, and in that moment knew, I wasn't alone, even though I had never felt more enveloped in loneliness. Grandma was the one who led me to the place where hope is stored up and given out. Yes, I miss her every day, but I could not be more grateful for the years I had with her. What she did for my life, and continues to do, can't be measured.

I knew that my step-dad had taken some pictures during those days right after we lost her. I knew they existed, but I had never really looked at them. Last week, I decided I wanted to see them and asked him to send them to me. When they came across my computer screen, I literally froze. The images were hard to see, yes, but also were such a reminder to me of God's faithfulness and that His strength truly is perfect when ours is gone. And mine was completely gone.

I don't know how I stood at her side at the funeral home and held her hand for over an hour. I could have actually stopped that sentence at, "I don't know how I stood." But I did. Matt told me that I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay there with her. I don't remember that, but I do remember looking down at her, studying every feature of her face and hands, trying to make sure I didn't forget anything. And I don't think I have. But what I am certain of is that, He stood there with me. With all of us.





I finished my edits today. August 31st. The book is out of my hands and will be in someone else's tonight. I wish it could be her's, but what a fitting day for me to finish. August 31st. I did not plan it this way. But there are no coincidences.

4 comments:

Kim Hon said...

Sweetie, I completely understand every word of this post, as I have stood there beside my Dad's casket and felt the exact same way. I didn't want to leave, either. I too lost my strength and actually lost my way for a while. But even in those sprrowful and dark times, God carried me when I didn't have the strength to carry myself. It's been 14 years since I lost Dad, and although it's been so long, my longing to see him and hug him is still there. I still love him as much as I always did, if not more. I keep him alive in my daughter's heart, because I want her to know what a good man he was, just like your Grandma was a wonderful woman! They live on through us in our hearts and minds, and I thank God every day that they do. I am also soooo happy that God, our true father, never gives up on us, no matter how much we turn from him.
Thank you so much for posting this. It warmed my heart! Love you girl!

Nel said...

What a beautiful post Angela! Your grandma was a wonderful lady who was kind and generous and passed those traits on down to you. I always admired her and your grandpa because they stepped up and became not only grandparents but your mom and dad. And I know she is very proud of you, the woman you have become.
I cannot wait to read your book! And I am with you... there are no circumstances!
until next time... nel

Kate (Southern-Belle-Simple) said...

the place where hope is stored up and given out.....what a poignantly beautiful phrase! you're definitely a writer! gee thanks...now i'm boo-hooing at my desk! i told you we'd be blogging besties! i love this post so much!

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

I'm so sorry, Angie. I understand. And it makes my heart sad when others have to go through painful things too...

Grief is a complex journey and I've found it to be full of surprises. I'm learning to just let the surprises (both good and bad) come and to embrace whatever emotion is stirred. God is in those moments...

Hey...do you want to send me your manuscript??? :)