Reality Check at 1:30 am

I was up late writing last night. I was tired. Maybe a little delirious. Around 1:30 am, I burst into tears. There, alone in the dark, I sat boo-hooing and had no idea why (other than the tired and delirious part). After I got into bed, I began thinking... and praying, and I realized that, once again, fear had crept into my thoughts.

It's so easy to believe the lie that what we're doing down here is futile... that we are so flawed we can never reach our goals or do any true good for this world or the people we love. But ultimately, what that means is that we aren't believing God is who he says he is or will do what he says he will do. Last night, I was crying because I felt ridiculous for sitting at a computer, writing at 1:30 in the morning, when I'm just me--a girl from Hector, Arkansas, who has made every mistake in the book and continues to mess up daily--and, therefore, can not possibly make a difference. I almost got mad at him for letting me think I could.

And then this verse popped into my head, "For I know the plans I have for you... They are plans for good... to give you a future and a hope." We see it all the time, but how can we not do a Tom Cruise couch jump every time we hear those words?

And my favorite, say-it-out-loud-all-day verse... "And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will carry it on to completion...." That is the one I'm holding on to for dear life.

My favorite character in my book is Malcolm, the pastor of a tiny congregation who has stopped believing God is who he says He is.

Even in the dimming light of dusk, Kate could see the wildness of his eyes. He took hold of her shoulders. “Is that well with your soul? The God you just forgave watched it all happen. Sat back and watched it! Just like with Anna, and just like with Ruth and your baby. So, no!” His voice grew louder with each word, and he pointed toward the church. “I’m not going to go in there and tell those people that he's good and that he loves them and protects them. Because all I see is a God who singles out the old and the helpless. I see a God who could save them but doesn’t. I’m supposed to tell them to keep trusting? To keep hoping? No! I will not lie for Him a day longer!”

Kate stood frozen, emotions surging through her—anger, frustration, sadness, helplessness, another she couldn’t put her finger on. He wanted to let go of her but couldn’t will his body to move. Her heart pounded as she studied his face so close to her own. When the tears began to pool in his eyes, he released her and disappeared into the shed.

Losing sight of Him, if only for a moment, is easy to do. Isn't it awesome He never loses sight of us? Oh, and don't worry about Malcolm. He'll find his way. And who knows? Maybe Mr. Cruise will portray the role of Malcolm in the movie. I told you people... I'm dreaming BIG! (Ok, maybe Matthew McConaughey.)