I love fiction. Love reading it. Enjoy writing it. But even I couldn't make this stuff up. Well, I suppose I could, but I would never put it in print due to its high unbelievability. The following are true events that occurred this morning. They have not been embellished for heightened drama. They are simply the facts.
Warning: Two of the events about to be described involve poop. Squeamish reader beware.
Traumatic Event Number One
Estella Dru (who is always the first one up) shakes me awake this morning. She yells, "Oh my gosh, Mama. You gotta come see this. Faulkner has poop stuck to his bootie, and he can't get it off." (FYI: Faulkner is the cat.) So I jump out of bed just in time to see him dragging himself across the rug, smearing the huge green piece of poop into my beautiful rug. Clean up time was approximately twenty minutes. I was a bit shaken, but tried to get past it. On with the day.... Little did I know....
Traumatic Event Number Two
Once all the kids were awake, I made them breakfast, and while they were eating I decided to get out the large Kool Aid dispenser I bought the night before. The kids go through so many juice boxes, I thought this would be an easy alternative. I made a gallon of sugar-free grape Kool Aid and set it up in the fridge so whenever they wanted some, they could get their cups, push the little button, and make their own drink. Sheer genius, right? I thought so. However, when I closed the refrigerator door, apparently something inside pushed up against the dispenser and held down the button. When I came back about fifteen minutes later, I noticed my floor was purple. I opened the fridge door to find all but a small about of grape Kool Aid had spilled inside the refrigerator and was ALL OVER EVERYTHING. I stood, frozen, staring, speechless, for quite sometime, overcome and suffering from shock. Finally, I forced myself together and began removing every item, scrubbing, rinsing, scouring.... About an hour into my toil, one of the girls yells, "Oh no, Mama! Come quick! Jeb took his diaper off!" Immediately, I began talking to Jesus, "Please let it just be pee. Please let it just be pee."
Traumatic Event Number Three
It wasn't pee. It was poop. Lots and lots of poop. And he had only managed to wriggle free of HALF of his diaper as part of it had caught around his ankle. So, not only was their poop in the floor, but since he had been running down the hall it was all over the walls as well. I ran to him, picked him up, shook him side to side until the diaper fell with a PLOP to the floor, and hurried him to the bathtub. Since it was all over his feet and legs, not to mention hands and hair, it took quite some time to rid my child of his poop covered self. When I finally finished with him, I walked back out into the hallway, and once again, stared in shock and horror at my walls and floor. While this mess only took about thirty minutes to clean (not counting the Jeb clean up time), the refrigerator was still waiting on me and took me another hour or so to finish.
Now... if ANYONE thinks they have a story to top this one, I want to hear it! Oh and by the way, you can thank me later for not posting pictures, because I have close ups of ALL of it.
1 month ago