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Friday, August 29, 2008

Countdowns

Today is the 29th of August. Two days away from the 31st, and it feels like a countdown to an event I can't stop from happening. I have to be honest and say I never really understood why the anniversary of someone's death was a big deal to those they left behind. Especially after a year or so... I mean, are you not 'used' to the fact that they're gone? Get on with your life already and stop moping, feeling sorry for yourself, wallowing in old sorrow. Then, it happened to me. I lost Grandma, and my perspective on life was altered forever. On August 31st, two days from now, Grandma will have been gone for three years. It doesn't seem possible, yet I know it's true. I haven't talked to her in three years. I haven't seen her face in three years. And since then, every time August has come around, beginning with August 1, the entire month feels like a countdown. I tried to describe it to Matt, and the only way I knew how was to say, it's sort of like, she's not gone yet, but the day I know she's leaving is ticking closer and closer, and I can't do anything to stop it. That is completely irrational, and yes, I know she's gone, but that date... August 31st... it's just hard. I know she's in heaven. I know she's beautiful and happy... so happy, but August 31st still sucks for us down here.

I pulled out her Bible this month. She came to Belle and Estella Dru's baby dedication at church (FBCS) in November, 9 months before she died. It was the day they handed out the Holman Christian Standard Bibles. She got one of the old people, big font versions, and she was so excited about it. Inside I found the baby dedication program with Belle and Dru's pictures. (They were so little, 18 months and 3 months.) She was also excited about following the one-year reading plan and followed it every single day. She had never read completely through the Bible before and complained profusely about Leviticus. (Don't we all...) I found her reading guide today and saw she had marked through every day, missing none. Her last mark was made next to August 29. Today. August 29. (She got sick that night, and the ambulance came the morning of the 30th.)

We are going home this weekend to be with Grandpa. It's a hard day for him, too. Plus his birthday is on Sept 3rd--the day we buried her. (Talk about something that sucks.) He'll be 86. I plan on taking the girls to get flowers and letting them put them on her grave. Belle still tells me she misses her, and Drusy wants to remember her so bad. I think a lot about what she'd think of Jeb. She would adore him. I can just see her holding him. And I think she would think I'm a good mom. Sometimes I think those are the words I want to hear the most from her. "You're doing good, Honey." Although, I'd settle for "Hi."

I just miss her.





13 comments:

Annie said...

That is so sweet, Angela. She really sounds like such a wonderful person and you know she is looking down on you saying "you're doing great, jeb is so precious, the girls are amazing", and even "hi". My prayers will be with you this weekend.

Anonymous said...

Angela,
she was a wonderful person and we all miss her terribly. I will not ever forget that day or the 3rd. That was a very sad time for us and the church. the 3rd was the first time I got to watch the girls and Dru was attached to my hip the entire time. She is missed and she is watching over you saying that you are doing a great job with your family. You are a great mom!
Tammy Rye

Michelle Weir said...

Angela,it is hard when you lose someone you love, and I can't imagine losing my mom. That's what Iva was to you, your Mom. She was so great and never looked a day older than when we were little! I will remember you and Grandpa in my prayers. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and family with us.
Love you,
Michelle

The Jordon Family said...

Ang, I had a grandmother named Iva also. I never got the chance to meet her but I know from hearing stories from my dad that she was wonderful like your grandmother. I know this will be a hard weekend for you and your family , so know that my prayers will be with you all. Also, always know that you are a super great mom !!

Superchikk said...

That is so sweet. I am glad you have such sweet memories of her. I think it would be sad if you DIDN'T miss her.

She would be proud of you. And she would just eat Jeb up and ask for those slobbery kisses from him. You know she would think you are an awesome Mom...even when you leave your child hanging in some malfunctioning contraption long enough to get a picture. She'd get a kick out of that. :)

But the 31st of August holds a different meaning for us. Our world changed on that day too. That's the day I became a Mom. Chickster turns 1 on Sunday. It's strange to think that one day on the calendar can hold so many memories for so many different people.

I'll be praying for you guys this weekend.

Cindy said...

I sure understand what you have said here today. I lost my grandma Sept 3, 1999 just a short while after I lost my dad May 22, 1999. Sometimes, when something wonderful happens I reach for the phone to tell them and I never remember to order less pictures because I still think I should send them some. It's been 9 years for me but some things are just reflex.
I will be praying for you this week.
Blessings, Cindy

Sharon said...

Precious words and memories you have!! Just be thankful for that, not that you can't be sad too. It is ok to be sad.

I'll never forget you running to my car in that parking lot at FBCS and telling me Matt had called you like 27 times because your grandmother was sick. I didn't have the right words and I know that I don't today. Just know that you are loved and that YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!

Sharon said...

PS--Look at my baby's picture right close to yours! We were standing by eachother and didn't even know eachother! Weird! You all are in like every picture I have of that day standing beside us! So funny!

Brandy Matchett said...

Angela,
I know exactly what your going through, June 22 is the absolutly worst day for me and its been four years now (the day I lost my baby) and Nov 21st is the day I lost my mom. I know they are together in heaven but it still makes it sad for those of us here. This is something that I am going to try to do this year and I thought I would share. Try to do something "in memory of" for grandma instead of being sad and looking at pictures or videos on that day such as plant a flower or tree , or what ever she liked maybe make a cake or pie or something that she always made just something that would make you happy instead of extremly sad and it will be in memory or honor of grandma. Hope this helps , I am going to try it in november.

Love ya,
Brandy

Jill said...

That reading guide is just one of the most precious things. Wow! How special that you still have that. You'll definitely be on my mind tomorrow and in my prayers. Love you girl!

Robyn said...

Praying for an extra measure of peace for you today. I hope you all had a special time with your Grandpa.

FosterFrenzy said...

I knew yesterday would be rough for you....that's why I tried to call last night. I miss grandma too. She always made me laugh....
And I would give anything for some of her unbelievable salsa. :)
I can offer no words, except to say I truly understand. We've been through it all together.......
I would give anything to be around my best friend.

Sara said...

So, I'm just now catching up on my blogs... Wow, thanks for sharing this post. I really appreciate how real you are. :) I'm sorry my birthday is the suckiest time of year for you. :)You are a good friend.