"She made the purdiest corpse I ever seen."

Mouth filters. Don't you wish everyone had one? You know what I mean, right? The invisible device that only lets appropriate words flow out of an individual's mouth and keeps the inappropriate, ill-thought, offensive words in.

I think sometimes my filter filters too much. I'm crazy non-confrontational. I will nearly kill myself to avoid having "words" with someone. It has to get extremely ugly and/or involve someone I love for me to put myself out there with my words. I almost took out a 4-year-old once on the Chick-fil-a play area. (Don't mess with my kids, Punk Toddler Who Hits or Punk Toddler Who Hits' Non-observant Parent.)

So since my filter works so well, I thought I might take the opportunity here today to share some real examples of non-filtered comments I've received lately and how I actually responded versus how I would have responded without a properly functioning filter. Observe.

Example 1: To the lady who never fails to say to me, "When are you gonna cut that boy's hair?" each and every time she sees me with Jeb.

What I said: "Ha ha. Yeah, he probably needs one."

What I might have said without my filter: "Seriously? Were the trimmers on like .2 when you sheered off your poor kid's hair? How many people stop you in the mall and tell you how gorgeous your kid is? (As I point to Jeb...) See that kid? Potty trained at 25 months. Could sleep till noon every day. Counts to five in Spanish. (Thanks, Dora.) As absolutely as adorable as they come. Plus he can HEAR YOU. And asking me that question is just straight rude. Stop it."

(Ok, so that was a little intense, but please see the above statement about unfiltered statements involving my kids. I get all mama bear freaky.)

Example 2 (related to Example 1): To the lady at the Target check-out who referred to Jeb as a 'pretty little princess'.

What I said: "Oh. Yes. Yes she is."

What I might have said without my filter: "Really? A collared shirt and tie beneath a black Aerosmith t-shirt? That wasn't a tip for ya'? What about the cargo khakis and hightop Converse? Still? Still not with me?"

Example 3: To the person who continually brings up her "housekeeper" in conversations with me. (P.S. This person is NOT a blog reader, so I'm safe.)

What I say: "Oh, yeah... I so know what you mean. I like my fan blades dusted, too."

What I might say without my filter: "Ok, so you know I don't have a housekeeper right? I'm a stay-at-home mom. A proud stay-at-home mom who willingly makes sacrifices. I keep my own house. I sort of suck at it. I would love to have someone do it for me, but the thought of paying someone on our budget is laughable. If you want to loan me your awesome housekeeper, please send her my way. Here's my address. Otherwise... not cool."

Example 4: To the person who recently made an excessive amount of fun of my non-existent math skills.

What I said/What I might have said without my filter: "I'm sorry? Can you name all the American presidents in order? No. You can't. And guess what else? You can't spell president either. Yeah, I made a D- in 9th grade algebra and barely passed it in college, but I have YET to use it as an adult. How's your spelling deficiencies working out for you in the real world? Oh yes. I just went there."

(Ok, so that last one was to Matt. In extreme love, of course. He had it coming ok???!!)

Example 5: To the sweet little old man who said to me after Grandma's funeral, "She made the purdiest corpse I ever seen."

What I said: (Big hug.) "Thank you. She did, didn't she?"

What I might have said without my filter. (Big hug.) "Thank you. But that might be the creepiest thing anyone has ever said to me."

Has anyone made a non-filtered statement to you lately? Please do share.