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Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Dream

I had a dream last night. I think probably most people think little if nothing of their dreams. My experiences with dreams, however, have taught me differently. I have come to believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that God speaks to us in dreams if we’ll only listen.

In my dream, I was in an airport with a group of people, none familiar to me. I was about to board a plane and for some reason decided not to. I ran from the airport and, as dreams go, into my one of my Grandpa’s fields. I ran so fast that I ran out of my shoes, but I kept going. Then in the distance, behind me, I heard someone calling my name. I turned to see my Grandma coming fast as she could after me. I kept going, ignoring her, feeling an almost resentment toward her. When I was almost to my Grandpa’s house, I stepped into a patch of thorns and stickers. I fell to the ground and saw my feet were covered in them. I began to cry. Suddenly I realized Grandma had caught up to me. She was sweating and out of breath but dropped to the ground beside me and began feverishly trying to pull the thorns out of my feet as I continued to cry in pain. Then I noticed she was also crying. I remember laying there on my back in the dirt watching her pull out the thorns while tears ran down her face. She was there with me… in my pain. She was there with me.

Grandpa had total knee replacement surgery on Monday morning. The surgery was successful, but he is taking it hard. He is in pain, and the pain medicines are making him confused and hard to control. I was in the hospital all day Monday and got home late at night. There was something about walking into that house without him. Something much too familiar, and I did not like it. I will never forget the drive home after Grandma died… how it felt to walk inside her house without her there, see her chair, smell her smell, find her glasses and crossword puzzle exactly where she’d left them. After getting home from Grandpa's hospital room, emotions hit me without warning, and I think I cried uncontrollably for hours. Seeing Grandpa in so much pain, remembering Grandma the same way in the same hospital, feeling completely helpless to all of it, and feeling too young to let go of a parent. It was so hard. I’ve decided I don’t do ‘hard’ very well. I sat there in that house after Grandpa’s surgery so sad for him and almost perturbed at Grandma that she wasn’t there with me. I cried for her on the bed in my old room and whispered her name because Jeb was asleep next to me. I decided at that moment, that no one but her could ever comfort me the way she could. I needed her.

So, yes, I think God gave me my dream. Call me crazy if you’d like, but I do. Now I’m not saying that she feels the pain I feel. I don’t believe those in Heaven can feel pain, but I do believe that for whatever reason God chose to let me know that I am not alone. And I do know that. But I appreciate the reminder.

4 comments:

Sharon said...

You are precious. Such a writer. I'm in tears, remembering those very hard days with you. Obviously I didn't feel what you did, but I watched you. I'm so sorry you are having this "hard" moment. However, I'm glad that you are aware enough to take what God showed you and embrace it!

April said...

Not crazy. And God definitely does use dreams to speak to us, sometimes its when our human minds are most receptive. He knew when you needed your grandmother the most and gave you that blessing. I am very close to my grandparents as well - we finally lost by Grandfather two years ago. I have spent many a night in the hospital with both of them and it is very hard. There's something about their vulnerability and suffering that's almost unbearable. But God will give you strength through all kinds of ways so hang in there! Thanks for sharing this story.

Ross and Lisa Green said...

"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Just thought you could use some encouragement. I too believe that God uses dreams to comfort and prepare us. I had a dream for several days that someone on my dad's side of the family died. Little did I know that it would turn out to be my Papaw. Although I was in shock, I also felt somewhat prepared. God does work in mysterious ways! Praying for your Grandpa, and for you.

Joann said...

This post made me cry Angela and made me miss my Ma Maw even more than I usually do. I totally understand how you are feeling. My grandmother was more like my mom than my own was and when things happen in my life I just want to pick up the phone and hear her voice, I want to tell her about my day. I miss seeing her beautiful face and hearing her voice every day of my life. God bless you Angela.