It's been five years today that Grandma went to Heaven. That is a CRAZY number to me. I think about her every single day. I miss her every single day. I need her every single day.
This book I wrote is about when you don't understand life and how easy it is to lose hope and faith when you lose someone you think you can't do life without. Five years ago, that happened to me, and five years ago I found out the hard way that through the darkest and coldest of days, God is faithful. Five years ago, I stood in front of a casket holding the hand of the dearest person on Earth to me and said goodbye, and in that moment knew, I wasn't alone, even though I had never felt more enveloped in loneliness. Grandma was the one who led me to the place where hope is stored up and given out. Yes, I miss her every day, but I could not be more grateful for the years I had with her. What she did for my life, and continues to do, can't be measured.
I knew that my step-dad had taken some pictures during those days right after we lost her. I knew they existed, but I had never really looked at them. Last week, I decided I wanted to see them and asked him to send them to me. When they came across my computer screen, I literally froze. The images were hard to see, yes, but also were such a reminder to me of God's faithfulness and that His strength truly is perfect when ours is gone. And mine was completely gone.
I don't know how I stood at her side at the funeral home and held her hand for over an hour. I could have actually stopped that sentence at, "I don't know how I stood." But I did. Matt told me that I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay there with her. I don't remember that, but I do remember looking down at her, studying every feature of her face and hands, trying to make sure I didn't forget anything. And I don't think I have. But what I am certain of is that, He stood there with me. With all of us.
I finished my edits today. August 31st. The book is out of my hands and will be in someone else's tonight. I wish it could be her's, but what a fitting day for me to finish. August 31st. I did not plan it this way. But there are no coincidences.
1 month ago